his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
