nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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