my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
