My friends, they love my intelligence
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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