Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Randomize
