apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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