with your own penis?
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
