I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
