i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
whose parrot is this?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
