Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Welp...herpes.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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