I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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