He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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