If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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