i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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