i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Randomize
