i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
