So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
