we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
