Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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