We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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