how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
