I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
