Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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