I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
They have beer where we have blood.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
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