I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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