she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
