Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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