apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
