Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
