If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
