He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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