I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
