I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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