we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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