The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
