I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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