Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
