I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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