I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
