yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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