your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Who died my cat blue again?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
