O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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