He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
