and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
