you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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