on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
did you just send me my own nude
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
