sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
