at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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