Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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