I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
